fucking big LIFE decisions, man

Man, what I really need right now is a night with my best friends running around the city like crazy people making strangers uncomfortable and then coming home and eating random food combinations while watching british period dramas and cracking stupid dirty jokes. I want a night of belly laughing and cuddling and long heart to heart talks. Things have been really busy and wierd lately. By weird I mean some days are great - I'll be feeling really productive and happy grateful for the people and things in my life, and have fantastic rehearsals full of hard work and laughter and goodness - and then some days are just really shitty and I'll be wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life and where I'm going and I'll be so stressed and feel like all my relationships are all messy and just feel in general BLECHness. So it's been a weird roller-coaster of emotions in the past few weeks. I recently (as in just last week pretty much) got a new agency, I don't know if I told ya'll. It was kind of a spontaneous thing which I was opposed to at first, but I decided to give it another shot. They're really nice, normal people who treat me like a real person (whoa, crazy, like models have brains, personalities and feelings?)and they've already been sending me to a bunch of castings - I went to Seattle on friday for a casting for Nordstroms online store woooo! That was really nice cuz I got to spend a day in Seattle with my mom and we somehow got to talking all about her twenties and all the roadtrips she spontaneously took and all the crazy things she did. I reaaally wanted to stop in Tacoma and visit nay but we had to get straight there, go to the casting, and then take like two hours to eat lunch and see the city from the car window and then drive home in time for a concert that Miles got us tickets for. Oh and yesterday I found out I got accepted into Southern Oregon University! yay. So that's good. And Ablaze is going great. It's actually really really great. I'm so so grateful that its a part of my life, because I'm having a lot of fun with the cast, and the play, I think, is going to be good. We're all working our asses off so it better DAYUM be. Sooo these are all great things, but one of the things thats been stressing me out lately is that at the beginning of this week the agency sent me an email saying that they talked to the agencies I was with in Paris and New York and that they were "thrilled that I'm back in the biz and possibly would want me to come work with them again". SO, shit. Again i'm back at the crossroads of which direction to go...school next fall or try out the modeling thing again....I know I've said tons of times that I didn't want to continue with it because it was too stressful and superficial and blah blah...and I mean that won't change. But I've been thinking about it a lot, and this is something that would give me the opportunity to travel and have these experiences that I'd never be able to have later in life - I mean, its now or never. with college, I can go later if I want to. And, maybe I could make some money with it to pay off college loans...and, my parents have been really stressed out about money lately and I know they have no idea what they're going to do when they get older because they have no money for retirement or anything, so I kind of fantasize about making a lot of money and being able to take care of them like they've taken care of me. They keep saying thats not my responsibility, but I feel like it is - I feel like it would be selfish to not do anything - and I mean, I would benefit from it too. Well, possibly. Maybe I wouldn't actually be successful, there's no way to know for sure. but my main hesitation is that it was very stressful and scary, and if I did it again I would have to do it alone...I mean, it wasn't completely bad, it was fun and exciting sometimes too. The circumstances would be different now, since I'm older and have more experience....I do worry that I'd be changed by it, because it is so completely superficial and not intellectually stimulating whatsoever. I worry that I'd become depressed, because of that - I didn't really like a lot of the people and didn't really know who to trust - but then again, I was pretty young so it was all very overwhelming. I think I'd be able to handle myself a lot better this time and not let these things get to me. ...And sometimes I actually miss it. Not all the bad things I was just talking about, but I miss the cities and the excitement of it. So. GAH. I am very very conflicted. My original plan was to study theatre at SOU, but there's always that voice in the back of my mind saying that that's so impractical - like, what can I do with a theatre major? I don't want to teach theatre, and I don't think I'm good enough to make it big in the business...and modeling is something I know I can do..... WHEW. wow, I just spewed a weeks worth of worries on you, sorry guys. I just really needed to get that out there. And I want you to know what going through my mind cuz I love you all and I would want to know all your shit too. So feel free to spew your shit all over me too!!!!! (GROSSSS) hahah don't ya miss me? Anyways, I miss you so much. And I love you dearly. Thank you for bearing with me and my long derpy indecisive rants <3 <3 <3