observations/confusion/rambling/etc.

It's just occured to me how strange and unreal this all feels. Even though I'm not living at home, I still don't really feel independent. I feel like the subject of an experiment where people are watching everyone in this school like we were in a giant plastic bubble, taking notes on our behavior. And I feel like I'd be cast in with the variables that turned out to be outliers and taken out of the data. (look at me, stats termonolgy!) I know that sounds like some weird bullshit that my Aunt Carla would say while smoking a joint, but it's how it feels. I just can't seem to get a handle on how I feel about being here; somedays I'm so excited about everything and so happy, and other days I go on walks as far away from campus as I can and call half the people in my contacts and peruse the Amtrax website for train schedules. And it's not even homesickness, that's what's so frustrating, I have no idea what I'm anxious about. I thought maybe it was schoolwork but I'm not overwhelmed on that front right now, and still I feel so strange and off-put. When I think of Portland, just imagine walking down streets that I know and passing farmiliar restaurants and stores, I feel so much more relaxed and calm. But what doesn't make sense is that I've always had anxiety, even when I really was walking down those streets and passing those shops and seeing people I know. But here it's a different kind of anxiety that's less 'depressed' and more high strung and lost. Like the feeling you get when a teacher is explaining a concept to the class and they're all nodding their heads and affirming their comprehension while you're sitting there, still completely lost, but too embarassed to say so because it's obvious that everyone else gets it. That's exactly how I feel here, but instead of a concept of a subject, it's like the concept of how to live in this environment. (excuse me while i go light up another joint...) I say things to people and they just stare at me. And in my head I'm like, "THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NODD YOUR HEAD AND PRETEND YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUT EVEN THOUGH I PROBABLY SOUND CRAY." But what I've realized most of all is that you guys are just so much more REAL and THERE than the people here. I know that sounds like a generalization and it probably is, but sometimes I'll get back to my room from hanging out with people and I'll just be like, "Wait...what the fuck was that? Was that real, did that just happen? What did we talk about?" I don't know. I know this probably makes no sense and I'm rambling like a crazy rambler rambles but I'm just so confused about ERRYTHANG. My fear is that if I stay here for four years, I'll change and be like all these people that I'm meeting, just totally absent and non-empathetic. (yeah yeah yeah i'm generalizing)And I really don't want that to happen. I don't know. FACK. Sorry for the weirdness of this post, I just feel like I'm going crazy. Also we must skype this weekend! I miss observing the movement of your guys' facial muscles.