I've had to check my phone like three times today to remind myself what day of the week it is. For some reason it really feels like a Tuesday. Which is strange because I often find that it "feels" like a Monday or it "feels" like a Friday but when does it ever "feel" like a Tuesday? Anyway. Today, whatever day it is, has been both good and bad. It's been good in that over the past few days I've been trying to stop feeling sorry for myself for being so sad for no particular reason all the time, and start initiating conversations more and stop being so quiet and reserved about my interests. Because I've recently discovered that I do actually like talking to people who I don't know, it's just the fear of them rejecting me that makes me so quiet around people. So (getting to the point now) that's how it's been a good day, because I've been talking to people in my classes and trying to branch out from my small group of friends that I don't even really even enjoy being around. (Okay except Nicole.) Also I've discovered that I really like life. (I know that sounded so cheesy) but--especially since I started going here--I've really resented life and often wished I had someone else's life, but what I've realized is that I do love life I just hate living HERE. So if that means moving somewhere else then I'm going to do that because I feel like I haven't done anything wrong and I should be happy like anyone else. This probably seems like it is coming out of nowhere, so sorry if this reads as really random and/or dramatic, I just needed to vent somewhere other than my journal.
So there's that, but then it's also been a bad day because of little trivial things that I probably hyperbolize far more than necessary. Like, for instance, in my Humanities class today my professor asked me a question and I didn't know how to answer it and I could just feel everyone's eyes on me and could feel my face getting all hot and I probably looked like a tomato. Which isn't a big deal, I know, everyone gets flustered in class, but it was still embarrassing. And then the second bad thing about today was another silly triviality. So right after that class I went to Oppenheimer to get a coffee and relax for a bit before I started my homework, and I always go to Oppenheimer when I don't want to see anyone I know because it's located in this glass dome type thing in the center of the math and science buildings and it's mostly always upper-classmen science dudes in there. But today, as I was waiting for my drink, I saw Mark and a bunch of his friends and they were standing right next to me, also waiting for their drinks, and I just felt so anxious to get out of there because I was still sort of flustered from class and I was just feeling off and my hair was dirty and as I was standing there I was eating one of those mini Tillamook cheese rectangle things and one of Mark's friends was like, "Are you just eating plain cheese by itself?" And I just wanted to DIE because they were all waiting for me to say something and instead I just sort of laughed really awkwardly and grabbed my drink and left and oh god it was so awful. Right now I'm in the library in one of the little private study rooms which I love, and I should be doing homework cause I have an essay due on Wednesday but whatever. Tonight I'm going to yoga with this girl Chloe from the radio and thennnnn I think I will take a shower and finish my homework and sleep. I hardly slept at all last night which might be why today has felt so weird. It's also why this post probably sounds ranty and babbly. But then again what would this lil blog be if it wasn't filled with ranting and babbling? Mkay. It's 5:50 and my eyelids are already fluttering closed from exhaustion. Better go. farewell. so long. sleep well. kisses. hugs. hand-holding. foot-fondling? bye now.
Love you all to (tiny chopped up marinated) pieces,
Elaina
No comments:
Post a Comment